Comfort in the Snow
by Animegoil
Summary: Ram (Laamgarnus) saved Gil from Nadil's army and is taking care of him. Both will find that the road to healing is within the other, and their feelings for each other are quickly developing! All fluff and angst, all Ram and Gil!
1. Saved

**Inspired by Avril Lavigne's 'I'm With You'**

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_**Comfort**_

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I whimpered, my body shivering in pain and cold. Pain. Cold. The two sensations foremost in my mind. The floor was cold, hard, and wet. Wet with a crimson liquid. The smell was overpowering. The liquid ran down my face, poured from the cuts on my body. And I bled. 

As if the pain I held already wasn't enough, I felt something hard connect with my stomach. Then, following lead, my leg, my head, my chest. I knew something cracked, my body alighting with a fire of pain so intense I was oblivious to the scream I let out. I hugged my body closer to me, feeling a new liquid run down my face. It slipped into my mouth, and my tongue, bloodied from biting it, tasted salt. The new sensation helped distract me from my pain.

I couldn't understand what they were saying. The demons inflicting pain on me. But I knew they were jibing at me, insulting me, scorning at my human side, at my weakness. Laughing. At my pain.

My body screamed for murder. And would most likely get it. But they would stop themselves, the demons would. Because I was precious to Shydeman, and they had plans for me. That much I knew. If I was killed, they would get themselves killed. So they beat me, laughed at me, until I was on the brink of death. Then I was left alone, to heal. Alone. It was a cruel cycle. My head swam, I felt faint, the darkness edged around my vision, but I was unable to pass out.

"Stop that!" the room fell quiet except for my heavy breathing, panting, trying hard to concentrate on it instead of my body. Whose voice had that been? It had been commanding, but not cruel. It had sounded disgusted, astounded, comforting. So it wasn't Shydeman or Shyrendora. It wasn't anyone I knew. No one in my life was comforting. To me at least.

I wanted death. I felt like I was on a bridge. One more step, one more reason to die, and I would fall. Lose balance and fall into nothingness. Where there was no pain. Into the darkness, there I would wait. For what, I didn't care. For relief. Relief from memories. Ever since I'd been captured by Kharl, my life had been pain. The new darkness that brewed inside me as a result of the new demon in me had been hard to deal with. Then more had come. I'd been sold to Nadil's army. Thrown into hell itself. I growled in pain as I was pushed roughly aside, rolling a couple feet, pain coming from my chest as it was pressed against the cold stone floor. Then, to my surprise, I felt myself floating. The air rushed past me. I was falling, feeling gravity pull me down. I fell with a thud, and pain coursed through my body, sharp, searing, coming from my head and legs. The darkness along my eyes edged closer. I hadn't realized that I had been on the edge of a balcony of sorts. My senses... too clouded.

But their loud voices had gotten softer. Farther away. I must have fallen a good bit. I was surprised that I was still alive. Lucky them. They wouldn't be punished for killing me. And I felt something on my skin. Like a million soft needles, poking me, wet, cold. It was raining. A blanket of rain covered me.

"What did you do?" there it was again. Who was that person? It sounded horrified, and I heard footsteps running away rapidly. I entertained the thought in my head that maybe it was coming to rescue me. But I quickly dismissed that thought. I wasn't going to let the flittering thought of hope in my heart. Too many times I had done that, only to be crushed and thrown into despair deeper than the darkness of the night. Colder than my freezing body.

As the pain dulled slightly, I was able to focus on my surroundings. It was so cold the rain had frozen to snow. When had I seen snow last? Droplets of white soared from the sky, gliding down, down, down, onto the few scraps of clothing I had, barely protecting me from the cold, onto my tanned golden skin, melting and sliding down the groves of my skin, scars. Recent scars, many, lining all of my body, my face. I saw only through one eye. My right eye was useless, closed for the rest of my life, scarred.

The cold was numbing my body, so cold it burnt. The searing pain of numbness replaced my former pain. That was all my life was. The dark was penetrating, impassive, calling. The stormy night air was thick with snow, flurries waving in great patterns, a massive swirl of stars on Earth. The trees loomed above me, tall and threatening, like everything that pushed me to the ground.

If you were coming, wouldn't you have been here by now? I tried to peer past the impending darkness of the night, but even my vision, so trained to see past the darkness, couldn't see anything now. Couldn't get past the darkness of my vision, clouded by the veil on my soul. And my hearing, able to detect any prey, any rustle of the wind, couldn't hear anything now. Couldn't get past the screams in my head, distracted by the pain in my mind. There were no footsteps. No indentations, no marking on the stifling snow that now lined ground, blanketed the earth in pure white, burying me in its cold grasp, freezing my heart and my body. Snowflakes glittered in front of my eyes, and I tried to move, but my body wouldn't respond. I couldn't feel anything but cold. Numbness. My brain was freezing, my thoughts grew swirled, unclear, like my sight.

I was alone. Dying in the cold. Dying. My blackened soul would dissipate in the white of the snow. And as I was dying, I thought about my life.

It was a simple life really. Pain, death. I had led a happy, normal life up until I was about... the age I looked now. My younger brother had looked up to me as an idol, my mother and father loved me dearly. Then... I had been captured, as I wandered the dense forests, taking a stroll, as I normally did. Then the experiment that had changed my life. Taken it away. All happiness fled from my heart as I realized that I was now a demon, a creature that I feared, loathed, and I had been forced to become it. I grew to learn what my newfound powers were, then I had been sold to Nadil's army, still fresh from Kharl's laboratory of doom and despair.

Hell. That was the only word to describe what followed after. Shyrendora controlled my mind, played with it. I was their pet cat. A kitten trained to kill, tamed by the whip. And she had cast a spell on me. I thought like an animal, I acted like one, I was mentally one. And yet, the odd thing was, in the deepest corner of my mind, I was still human, I still could think like one, I still experienced pain and despair like one. But now I expressed fear and anger as easily as an animal, lived only for food. That was the only thing that kept me alive, that I lived only for food, shelter and rest. But it's surprising how close animal minds are to human minds. I could still find... shreds of pleasure in things like nature. And snow. But I didn't feel like watching the snow, though it was exactly what I was doing. And once again I received comfort from it. Now that I was away from the ones who inflicted my pain, and into the nature that I was so tied to. And that was where I was left. Laying here, dying in the snow.

Then, the snow shifted, there was the rustle of clothing, and you were there. I didn't know it was you, didn't even think it despite my hopes. I could only imagine it was my tormentors, back to take me again. I drew what strength I could, and finally managed to struggle onto a kneeling position, growling defiance and hostility, my hands digging into the dirt that had been under me when the snow had begun.

But then you smiled kindly, and whispered soothing words, and my defenses fell. Hope leaped into my icy heart again, warmed by your smile.

"Easy now, I just need you to eat..." you whispered comfortingly. I noticed then the scrap of food you held in your hands. Using it as a lure, perhaps? In any case, my animal side responded, and I stopped growling and relaxed. I fell back against the ground, all and every ounce of strength diminished and gone now that it was not necessary. You walked slowly towards me, not because of fear for yourself, but fear that I might be startled by you. Hazel eyes pleaded with me to hold on as you placed the piece of bread in my mouth. I swallowed, not even bothering to chew and closed my eyes, exhausted. I felt you take my hand, brush off the snow, crimson with blood, and pick me up. My golden eyes stared into your hazel eyes and purple hair, falling into your face. And that smile.

You picked me up, soothing my tired mind with coos and smooth words, lulling me into sleep. Your body felt like fire, so warm compared to my numb one. Blood frozen in its veins, until you picked me up. I was dead, until you brought life back into me. I didn't know you, had never seen you, but I didn't care. I was with you, and you only.

I finally drifted into consciousness. The first thing I realized was that I wasn't freezing. Still cold, but considerably warmer. And the pain was gone. And that alone made me open my eyes and look around. I didn't know where I was. There was no one I knew in this room. There was no one, I was alone. I didn't know what was happening, until I remembered what had happened what I believed was the night before. You had taken me. Here. But now you were gone, and I was alone again, and I didn't know where. For all I knew, I was back in Nadil's fortress. Waiting once again for pain and torture. I was confused, my head reeling, and I fought to understand and grasp the situation logically, I couldn't trust my feelings and hopes. For they said that I was where you lived, safe, away from the pain of before. But my mind figured that that was impossible. But how could one simple demon rescue me and take me from Shydeman's grasp?

But now that the cold and pain were gone, replaced by comfort and warmth that emanated from a fireplace, I wondered if I was dreaming, Going insane. Losing my mind. I certainly felt delirious, my head clouded and heavy. There was no way that contentment like this was possible in my life. If only you were here, I thought, then I would be able to know whether it was real or not. Would I be doomed to be alone again for the rest of my life, even if I was free of pain?

As if answering my desperate prayers, the door opened and you came in. You looked in my direction but did not notice my eyes were open, as my hair was in the way. You dropped an armful of firewood in the fire, and it crackled and sizzled, strengthened by the new fuel. I saw you turn and smile softly, looking at me. You sat by me and took my bandaged hand, and I started at the familiar sensation, withdrawing my hand. I had dreamt that someone had held my hand through my sleep, but it seemed like it had been no dream after all. You looked slightly surprised, then laughed quietly and stood up.

"Why didn't you tell me you were awake?" you asked, "How are you feeling?" I tried sitting up, but as I fell back onto the white pillow I figured I was still in no shape. The pain cutting across my stomach and back was enough proof.

"Easy, you're in bad shape," your voice took a tone of disgust, "Those lowlife youkai hurt you badly. Pathetic youkai..." you paused, "Can you speak?"

I opened my mouth. I knew I could scream, and I could understand your words, something I hadn't been able to do with those other demons. Part of Shyrendora's animal spell. But just being around you pushed my human side outward, made the animal spell ebb away slightly. I hadn't tried to talk before.

"Y-..." I struggled to force words out of my mouth, but it was like I was unable to form them, like my tongue didn't know how to speak, like the act of speaking was just in my mind, but not possible. I wanted to ask who you were, how long I'd been out, where we were, all sorts of questions.

"You hungry? I bet you are, you've been badly sick for a couple days. Five to be exact," I nodded, thankful for the information and he nodded as well, turning to the kitchen in the one room cottage. I closed my eyes. Sick? That explained the recently found out trouble breathing and clouded head. I raised my hand and felt my forehead, finding even that simple move tiring. I was hot. Yet I still felt cold, I realized. I shivered, trying to regain warmth. The blanket rustled and you turned.

"Cold?" you fretted over me as I nodded. Bringing another blanket from a basket on the floor, you draped it gently over me. Then, pale hands felt my temperature and placed a cool towel over my forehead. You lifted my chin, willing my mouth to open, and bid me to drink a warm liquid. I swallowed the bitter liquid, coughing lightly before glaring at you.

"It's for keeping your body numb," you explained as I felt my throat numb completely. That was why I didn't feel pain. It wasn't gone, I was just unable to feel it. The result was the same, I was grateful.

"Comfortable?" I nodded to him, feeling drowsy. I growled as we both jumped slightly when something began whistling and bubbling loudly.

"Whoops, the food," you ran over to the stove, turning it off and stirring quickly, "Sorry if that startled you."

I simply looked at the ceiling, personally dumbfounded by his attentions towards me. No one had been this kind to me ever since I'd been captured. Now I wasn't sure if the heat across my face was due simply to a fever. But I did wonder if this was only a cruel trick, and I would be tossed back into pain once again, back into the hell I had been formerly a part of. I was snapped out of my reveries by your setting a bowl on the bedside table.

"Here, eat," you ordered me, gently helping me sit up. I almost flinched at your touch, but you refused to release your hand from my back, and I finally found it comforting. You spooned the soup into my mouth, patiently waiting for me to make my numb body respond and work, "Maybe I should have waited until afterwards to make you drink that..." you mumbled to yourself. I looked at you and you noticed my stare. "What?" I pointed at you, then gave a curious expression.

"Ah... My name's Laamgarnus. I'm an outcast in the army so to speak. Been excluded because I'm not 'demon material'. I'm too soft hearted," you grinned. I nodded, feeling grateful to you, "And you? I don't suppose you know your name?"

I opened my mouth again. My name. Gil. I knew my name, "G-..." I struggled for a couple seconds, finally managing to say it, "Gil."

"Gil? Well, at least you can speak your name. We'll work on the rest some other time," you looked at me reassuringly, then as I nodded, you told me to finish eating. But I paused, taking in the implications of what you had said. Some other time? As in... I was staying with you? I shook my head, trying to not raise my hopes too high and concentrated on swallowing the spoonfuls you fed me.

As I finished, I took the time to look at you more closely. I noticed a bandage around your bare arm, dressed as you were in a sleeveless shirt and jeans. It was fresh, and I pointed to it.

"This? Well, it's not bad. Let's say it's part of the reason I took so long to get you," I stared. You had actually fought those yokai in order to get me? I wrapped my arms around yours gently and leaned into you, feeling so at home, so comforted. I would have never thought it'd be so easy to get close to someone, I had always been the more aloof type, but you were so kind, so open, and I needed comfort so badly. I was thirsting for company, starving from loneliness, and you were saving me from it. I felt that salty liquid run from my eyes again, my body shivering again... but not of cold. I didn't understand what was happening until I felt your body wrap around mine, holding me close.

"Don't cry..." I was crying...? If this was the reaction crying brought, then I didn't mind if I cried for the rest of my life. I buried myself into your comfort and warmth, fever forgotten as I was drowned in a feeling that had been lost to me for so long: Love. Warmth, homeliness, comfort, reassurance, hope. You kissed my forehead hesitantly, rocking me back and forth as I clung to you. I didn't know how long I cried, but you were there the entire time. Holding me, cradling me, kissing me softly, until I felt my exhausted body and mind tremble and give in. Darkness pressed once again around my vision, but this time, I welcome it, feeling it as only a chance to rest. You had lifted the black veil across my heart. I feel asleep, my legs curled around your feet, my head resting against your chest, still clinging to you. You smiled very softly as you stroked me; arms still wrapped around my body, chin resting on my head.

"Don't cry... Gil."

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	2. Living

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Comfort in the Snow: chapter 2

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OoO

Laamgarnus' POV

OoO

I opened my eyes and found myself looking up at the ceiling. Looking to the side, I saw I was on the floor, leaning against the bed, and that my back was killing me. Strangely though, I felt refreshed... happy. Racking my brain for a reason, it all became very obvious when I realized there was something heavy and warm on me. Gil. I'd engraved the name in my heart. The sweet red-haired youkai was sleeping still, curled up tight against me, holding on to my jacket with a grip that could have squeezed a lemon. I winced as my right arm bumped against the bedpost, sending shocks of pain and effectively waking me up. What about him? I turned slightly, careful not to wake the sleeping form next to me. Slender hands relaxed their grip on my clothes as I placed my hand on his forehead. Hot.

Well, he was getting better. And he'd only just woken up last night after five days just sleeping. It'd been a strange five days for me. I was still alone, but he was there, giving me someone to care for. It was the first time I'd actually taken care of someone besides myself. And I'd had to do that for longer than I could try to remember.

Prying his hands off me, I carefully lifted his lightweight form off the wooden floor and onto the bed, covering him with a blanket. He moaned lightly and I flinched as I saw that my hand had pressed undoubtedly painfully against one the many cuts and bruises on his body.

"Sorry..." I whispered stroking his warm forehead lightly. Standing, I saw I needed more firewood to begin breakfast. Taking a coat, I walked outside, closing the door silently.

"Firewood, firewood..." I muttered, walking into the snow blanketed forest, my feet making a scrunching noise against the snow. The bare trees and lack of color gave the woods a sense of solitude, but comforting and there was still such a feeling of liveliness underneath the snow and cold. Life was still flowing all around me, it was clear in the chirp of birds, the snowy tracks left by snow white hares and deer and the occasional burbling of a stream which meant fish.

A lot like Gil, I though. There was life and emotions underneath the pain. I snorted, feeling my blood boil at the thought of those horrible youkai. Shydeman's lankies hurt everyone they felt like, but they'd gone too far with Gil. His whole body covered in scars, remainders of past abuse. I stomped on a fallen branch, hearing the resounding crack in the cold stillness of outside calming me slightly. And Gil was so harmless... I remembered feeling so... whole, complete, rewarded when the smaller youkai had cried against me... I'd gotten such a sense of relief coming from him.

I shook my head and concentrated on the task of gathering firewood. Unfortunately, the task really didn't require much concentration, so I found my mind wandering hopelessly around the sleeping person I knew I'd find once I got back home.

My arms now loaded with heavy wood, I secured the hatchet on my belt and walked back. The sky was beautifully clear. Blue and white. The world was gorgeous. I breathed deeply. Maybe it'd be good for Gil to come outside for a while today. Then my mind turned on what to make for breakfast... I had bacon and eggs... and flour, so I could make bread...

OoO

Gil's POV

OoO

I felt cold again. I realized that even in my sleep. But I was so tired, I paid it no heed. After all, wasn't I next to Laamgarnus? I'd feel warm again... but as time passed and I only felt colder, I forced my tired eyes to open and sat up forcibly, coughing harshly and growling in pain. My head still felt light... clouded, but my sight was fine now. And I saw I was back on the bed, but he was nowhere. He was gone! And there was no signs that he'd been here either. I began to panic, I could feel the sensation of loneliness and abandonment rising in my throat.

Had it all been a dream?

No, I couldn't have been dreaming last night. I clearly remembered being comforted, sleeping in his arms... I wasn't going crazy, I hadn't imagined that, right? But now fear and loneliness had controlled me, and a despairing feeling of loss was overwhelming me. I gathered the blanket around me, wrapping it tightly, biting the hem as I fought to contain myself.

I wanted to get up and search for him, bring the kind youkai back. Cause he had to be here! There was no way that everything he'd thought was a lie... his grip on the blanket tightened convulsively and a slow rriiiip was heard as the thread was pulled off the hem by sharp teeth. But I was so tired. I was weak. I knew one step and I'd collapse and only hurt myself more.

I'd known it. It'd been too good to hope. All hope gave me was disappointment. I'd trusted this stranger, and he'd abandoned me! I lowered my head as I felt that barely familiar rush to my head and felt something warm trail down my face.

OoO

Laam's POV

OoO

I deposited the firewood in the back of the house and brought a couple logs with me to start the fire. Opening the door quietly, I immediately saw that Gil was awake, and sitting up. A clatter rang out as the firewood dropped to the floor. He looked up, and I saw with rising alarm and shock the relief and disbelief in his face as he caught sight of me. And the tears. I rushed forward, wrapping my arm around the shaking figure and held him close.

"Gil! What's wrong?" I brushed the tears off his face. He only mewed piteously and clung to me tighter. What could have been wrong? I tried to apply to him the same logic as small children. And that dictated that he was either hurt or lonely. I'd had younger siblings. I knew how that worked. They needed constant attention or else they'd cry. Gil was very much like a small child. Fragile, dependant, easily hurt.

"Were you lonely?" He nodded shakily, and I hugged him tighter, "I only left to get firewood. I'm sorry, I won't leave without telling you again, ok? I promise."

He looked at me with his clear amber eye and made another cat like mew again. As if asking if I meant it.

"I promise."

Gil relaxed and I finally noticed that the hem of the blanket had been shredded. I laughed.

"You did this?"

He appeared to recoil and nodded slowly.

"Aha, well as punishment, this is now your blanket," I grinned. He appeared chastised so I kissed his forehead lightly in apology, "I'm only kidding."

I grinned again at the visible relief in his face, "So what do you want for breakfast?" he shrugged in response.

"Alright then," I smiled and headed to the kitchen area and began cutting up some meat from the icebox. Every once in a while I'd turn around to find him either dozing off or looking at me. And every time I'd catch him looking at me he'd turn away and I'd laugh lightly.

"Here's your breakfast," I presented the breakfast of bacon and eggs to Gil, and let him feed himself as I cleaned up the kitchen and sat down at the table next to the bed to eat my own plate.

"Good enough? I'm not that good a cook since I cooked for myself and I never cared for the taste," I said sheepishly. He shook his head slowly and took another bite.

"Glad to see someone approves," I smiled minutes later as I dropped both our dishes in the sink and walked back to him, not bothering to clean the dishes... I'd just let it accumulate and clean it all up at night. I was lazy. I knew that.

"So... how you feelin' this morning?" I sat beside him, pressing a cool cloth to his forehead. He shivered lightly, jerking a bit as the cold cloth came in contact with his hot skin.

"Do you want more of that painkiller stuff?" I grinned as he made a face and was about to shake his head but changed his mind and nodded.

"That stuff is nasty, but maybe if I add more sugar..." he shook his head, maroon-red hair flying wildly. I considered giving him a haircut, but then realized he looked good with longer hair. Really good... I must have been staring, since he gave me an odd look and shifted uncomfortably.

"Ah, no sugar then?" I regained my composure, "Well, I could add... mint?" I had no idea what else to add to dull the bitter flavor of the medicine. I loved sugar. Anything I ate I liked sweet. That didn't mean I lathered my eggs in sugar, since bacon was relatively sweet, and that was just gross and weird, but I loved honey and... well, sugar in general.

He nodded and I sweat dropped in relief, "OK, be back in a sec, I have all the food stored in a shed back there, k?"

He nodded slowly, but I did notice his hands tighten convulsively on the blanket, "It'll be quick."

So I rushed around the back, rummaged to find the mint and finally found it, took some of the said leaves and rushed back around. It couldn't have taken me more than two or three minutes, but when I came back you were already looking more than uncomfortable and impatient and stopped biting the hem of the blanket as soon as you saw me.

"That wasn't so bad was it?" the half human shook his head. I brushed purple strands of hair out of my face, crushing the leaves into the medicine and presenting it to you, "It's not as strong as before, so you'll still be able to move, but you might hurt a little..."

Gil just took the glass from me and downed it in one shot, grimacing at the still bitter taste. I took the glass back.

"I was wondering," I began, helping him sit up and unwrapping his bandages, "if you wanted to come outside. It's a beautiful day outside..."

Gil mewed happily... "Like a kitten," I smiled. He looked at me oddly and I hugged him, careful of his wounds, "You sound just like a kitten!"

He just kept looking at me oddly. Not that I blamed him. I'd always been rather random since I was little, and this hadn't changed despite the fact that I had grown a lot calmer. Still, it was a funny look he gave me. So I laughed. And he looked at me odder still.

"Anyway," I kept unwrapping his bandages and the lathered them with antibacterial cream. Then wrapped him up in some new ones, "You'll be as good as new in two weeks. Now..." I looked at the rags he had as clothing, "You need new clothes. Here," Gil looked at himself as if wondering what I meant, then looked up and pointed at mine, "Yeah, like mine."

I stood up and rummaged through my closet, trying to find the smallest possible shirts and jeans I had. He was actually pretty small... all my clothes would be too big. I sweatdropped. Oh well...

"Finally! Let's see if this fits you..." I handed him a pair of jeans and a shirt. Both were too small for me, but hopefully they'd fit him. I laughed, holding my sides at the sight of him in my clothes. They did fit him. Barely. The long-sleeved shirt reached half-way down his thighs and his fingertips. I knelt and rolled up the jeans, "Well, it's the smallest I have. At least waist-wise they fit... barely," I laughed again.

OoO

Gil's POV

OoO

His clothes were warm. Just like him. They were too big... but I didn't see why he was laughing. In any case, I was getting used to his weirdness. He was constantly cheerful and laughing and smiling. I didn't know it was possible to smile so much. It... seemed like fun though, so I smiled back, the unfamiliar motion stretching my lips. He caught sight of it and his smile grew wider if possible.

Leaning towards me, he hugged me gently again and kissed my forehead. I felt heat rising quickly to my face, and I guessed it wasn't from the fever... but then why? Did it have anything to do with the warm and safe feeling I experienced with him? Or... this feeling of wanting to hide my face, even though it felt good?

"You're blushing!" he laughed and kissed my forehead again. I only felt those conflicting emotions once again and the heat rose higher and higher. He looked at me again and laughed. I tried to glare at him, wondering why he was laughing.

"You're cute when you blush," he said, as if that merited all explanations and settled everything. I blanched. Cute? I knew what cute was. It was a little girl in a dolly suit, or a kitten playing or-

"Like a kitten caught doing something it's not supposed to. Except you're not doing anything wrong."

I stared at him and felt that blush creep up again. This was the second time he'd called me kitten. What was the similarity even? I mean, I knew I turned into a lion-like demon, but I wasn't a kitty. Still, what puzzled me the most was that... I liked it. It felt good to be called something... well, cute?

"You want to go outside?" he wrapped a heavy jacket around me as I nodded and helped me up, "Don't want your fever to get worse."

He'd said I'd heal in about two weeks, but I guessed quicker. A week and a half. Demon bodies healed quickly, I thought bitterly and then stopped myself. I didn't want to spoil the good mood I was in with something trivial. Like thinking about my past. I snorted to myself. That was hardly trivial, but maybe if I pretended then it would become so.

"It's so nice out here," Laamgarnus breathed in deeply and I nodded. I'd never been really free to enjoy nature like I used to when I was home. My thoughts had always been troubled, and usually I'd been hurt, or just... I was in hell. There was no time to appreciate anything when you're in hell, hoping that death would come. But now, just being free from Nadil's army and being near Laamgarnus made me feel a sense of peace I thought he'd lost a long time ago...

I looked about in wonder at the clearness of the sky, the purity of the air and the simple feeling of contentment that found its way inside me as I looked at the pure whiteness of the snow, the brilliant azure sky, the outline of the bare trees and pines that made up the woods.

"There's a nice creek a couple minutes from here, I think you can make it there fine..." he said, taking my hand and leading me into the forest. I followed blindly, not questioning anything he asked me. It was him we were talking about after all. Only a day with him, and I would follow him to the deepest vowels of Dusis. I trusted him, I realized. The only people I trusted were... were my brother... and my parents, but I was sure they were dead. I mean, how long had it been since I'd been captured? Fifty years? Something about that. And they'd been pretty old. Were they living now, they'd be over a hundred. And Barl? He was about sixty now... If not dead. I sighed, stepping easily over the tree trunks and potholes. My thoughts had to turn sour...

"What's wrong?" the outcast demon paused and looked at me. I still couldn't believe the concern those hazel eyes held for me. I shook my head, dispelling all my other thoughts and focused only on the prim snow alighting on the delicate tree branches, the fragile icicles that clung from all the surfaces, the small birds and rabbits that scampered off as out crunching footsteps resounded in the quiet stillness, the clarity of everything I looked at, the way Laamgarnus' hair glinted in the pallid sunshine. Everything. Why him though? I wondered. What had made me notice him as much as the woods around me?

"Here we are," he announced. It had been a short walk. But I was tired nonetheless. I sat down heavily on a tree stump and reached down, touching the clear waters. And retreated. The water was freezing. Yet pleasing. I stuck my hand in again, twirling it and watching the waves form and the droplets splash and leave my hand. What a beautiful slight it would be, to somehow freeze time and watch the water frozen as if fell off my hands... My life would be frozen here, with Laamgarnus, away from the pain, happily, just him and me in this beautiful day, in this gorgeous creek.

I started as he ruffled my hair, "Just as playful as a kitten too. Except, instead of yarn, it's water."

I shrugged and continued watching the water, splashing it and observing how it swirled and moved across rivulets and down rocks and mini waterfalls.

"You can speak, right?"

I looked up to find him staring intensely at me. I opened my mouth. I could say my name. I knew that much, since I'd already done it, but something else?

"Can you say... yes?"

I didn't know. I would try... I forced something to come out of my mouth, forced my throat to make the sounds I could picture so clearly in my mind...why couldn't I? I was trying..."Y- y... s –" I stopped as he began stroking my throat, loosening the muscles. He motioned for me to go on, so I close my eyes and tried again, "Y-ye... yes."

I opened my eyes, he looked as pleased as I felt, "You can! With some practice, I think you'll be able to speak again," he smiled again, hugging me. I smiled back.

"Now, how about no?"

"Nnnn...- n..." I tried again. Yes had been actually easier to say... He kept massaging my throat, "N-... n-ou... No..."

"That's good. Real good. So now, all we have to do is practice that, and you'll get a hang of it soon!"

"Y-yes!" I said triumphantly. He hugged me again and I, hesitantly at first, hugged him back.

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:sigh: the happy couple. Anyway, hope you liked. Any suggestions, any stuff tell. Someone suggested for me to change all the you's to something else in the chapter before, but in a way, though I guess it did make it a bit boring, I was looking for a certain feel, and that's why I let the you'd remain. Might change them someday though if I feel like it. Once again, hope ya liked!


	3. Moving On

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_**Comfort in the Snow: chapter 3**_

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Lamgarnu's POV

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I had no idea how... rewarded... I'd feel when he lifted his arms in an awkward manner to wrap them around me. I felt surprise along with the warmth as well, and I parted and looked up at him.

It was easy to tell he wasn't used to being pampered and fondled in any loving way, and was simply uneasy with showing emotion. So I was surprised that he'd hugged me back. And by the shy, startled look he wore, I could tell he was as well.

"You'll get the hang of it soon, Gil," I said, meaning more than one thing though I was sure he only caught the easy one. The meaning about his speaking. Which he still hadn't gotten a hang of. The other meaning was about getting the hang of expressing himself.

He nodded and sat back, continuing in his relentless pursuit of the water. I watched, like I had for the past couple minutes, just watching. Watching and wondering.

His darkly tanned hands, pale scars dashing across, dipped in the clear, crystalline water of the brook we were currently sitting at, then lifted slowly, and he watched the blue tinged liquid run and slide past his hands, back into the brook, where they would be carried by gravity and the current, until the water reached the vast place simply known as the ocean. A cycle.

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Gil's POV

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This was so strange. It had been _decades_ since I'd last enjoyed myself purely like this, had time to relax, to think. No, that wasn't right. I'd had plenty of time to think before. In my cold, dark cell, reeking of rotten food, decaying rats, infested with bugs, revolting me every second I was in there. Sometimes, I even welcomed the harsh training sessions, or the torturous sparring time with other demons just because it meant I could leave that rotten hellhole. Not for long though, by the time I was done with whatever activity had thrown me outside, I was ready to welcome time the time to heal the most assuredly present wounds I'd acquired that day. I'd gotten sick a lot the first couple years, but soon my youkai body had adapted, even if my mind hadn't. And I could remember waking up in the middle of the night, the cold stone floor seeming to shift as various night pests scurried across it, and scream, cry in anguish, in pain and disgust and misery.

I'd tried so hard to die, but I was important to them, and they'd do whatever was possible to keep me from dying. They being Shydeman and Shyrendora. And before that, Kharl. So I'd turned cold and emotionless to myself, a way to protect myself. If I didn't think about the pain, if I didn't think about myself and thought of my life as their living puppet show, their doll for them to do as they wished, to control, it didn't matter what they did to me. It hurt less that way. Ignoring myself. I was a doll, my life was meaningless, I didn't really exist. I'd tried to imagine that I was only pretending I was alive, that I truly had no feelings, and I was only imagining the pain. I realized now that it was a twisted way to think, but... it had offered protection.

In the damp corner of my cell, as I huddled in the cold and fingered gingerly the shallow cuts on my arm, I wondered what it would be like to _live_. For real, to cease to be a puppet. To shed the skin of a doll and have wings, and _fly_. Have my own life, make my own choices, live my way... and be free. Then I realized I was dreaming, but I didn't try to wake, because dreams were so much sweeter.

I never spoke. Not during the fifty some years I was their prisoner, that was also part of the reason it'd been so hard to speak again. I blinked. Well, there was one time I did speak. When I'd first been bought by Shydeman from Kharl, and I was being led by Fedelta into the Nadil's castle. I remembered that as I sullenly trod behind the fire youkai, I'd instinctively turned to look up and met the inquiringly curious gaze of a youkai with orange and white hair swept upward, two long golden bangs falling down as he looked down, body sitting, casually leaning against the wall of what appeared to have been a room whose front wall had crumbled, leaving a blank space to look down. What had surprised me was the candid gaze he gave me. No discrimination, hatred, wish to hurt or manipulate. Just pure curiosity, along with a certain degree of indifference that appeared to be a natural part of his character. For some reason, I'd felt inclined to just pause and gaze back at him, my own indifferent gaze on him. But then Fedelta had scolded me and told me to keep going, and I just glanced back for a second before continuing.

But then I'd met him again. Surprisingly, as I was wrapping myself in a blanket Shydeman had _graciously_ thrown at me to cover myself after my first meeting with him, before the animal spell was placed on me, I heard yells and a general commotion going on outside.

Lifting an eyebrow in surprise, I'd recognized the youki of the orange haired youkai and bid him in.

"This is Shydeman's private chambers. No one is allowed in here, not even those guards that were chasing you. Shydeman just stepped out so he won't be back in a while. You can leave out the back window," I allowed myself a dark grin, "I never saw you."

"But what will you-" I didn't want him to continue. A part of me was surprised that he'd even thought about me, considered what I wanted, but the other part want the rest of the question to remain unsaid, lest the feelings and barrier I had carefully constructed fall apart. That didn't mean I didn't think about it though.

"I don't think about myself. It's easier that way. I'm just their doll. They do with me as they will," I said impersonally, turning my head down to the side. But then I looked up, not at him, but up, "Still, every once in a while, I wonder what it'd be like to be free. Make my own decisions. Is that so wrong?"

Now I realized that I had been so enveloped in my own theory that I was theirs and I didn't really exist as a person, that I'd actually wondered if it was wrong to think outside of that reality I'd set myself into.

His response startled me, made me feel some sort of sorrow inside of me.

"No," he said shortly, "Maybe I'll help you out with that one day," he looked at me, his parting message filled with some sort of compassion. Not a loving compassion, or pitying. More like he knew what I meant, empathy, and somehow making me feel that I had lost the meaning of life. And somehow, I felt like I'd gained the closest thing to a friend I'd ever had since I'd been turned into the monster I was now. And then lost it as he leapt out the window, a last quick glance in my direction as I stared sorrowfully at his retreating figure.

That night, I'd cried. For my new home, for the loss of my life, for the falsity of the mentality I was brewing for protection, for the foreboding feeling of things to come, for myself. And for the one person who ever saw me as a person, when I was denying that fact to myself.

That's why, after all that, it felt so strange to be _happy_ again. I stole a quick glimpse at Laamgarnus. I couldn't believe that there was someone else like that orange haired youkai I'd met in Nadil's castle. Somebody who saw me as a person, who acknowledged and cared for the feelings I had. I felt like I could trust him. And it was just so strange. I was completely unused to the scene I found myself in.

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Lam's POV

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His face, the same shade of golden, dark tan as the rest of his skin, watched the water as he mindlessly repeating his pursue of the water, entranced, enchanted, with a pensive look. Weighing everything, reflecting on what had happened over the past couple days. I guessed he was thinking about the past, considering the serious look in his face, the flashes of pain I saw in his eyes. So I moved behind him, sliding my arms around him, trying to provide comfort. He jumped a bit, startled out of his thoughts, and looked at me for a second, eyes wide, before they softened and he dropped his gaze again, a slow almost sad smile on his face. His hand slid up, touching my arm briefly in quick thanks. Cold. Reasonable since it'd been in a freezing winter stream's water.

And though I was saddened that he was sad, I smiled yet again. Every minute I was with him was a smile. Either out of amusement at his actions, or happiness at them. I was better at expressing myself with words usually. I used actions plenty, but I was a talker. He was a doer. I'd noticed that fairly quickly. At least so far. If he was a talker he would have tried to talk a lot sooner than now. It stood to think that he was more of the quiet type. And he was good at showing his feelings simply with actions. He didn't need words.

I looked up, past the icicle ridden trees and the almost blinding white of the snow. Although quite some time had passed, I could tell from the cold that was biting at my face and hands. And even the rest of my coat-covered body was beginning to feel the chill. Another easy way to tell was that the sky was taking a very slight pinkinsh tinge, the sun getting lower every minute in the orange horizon taking the blinding glare from the snow. Hard to think that we'd spent the whole day here. A well worth day in my opinion though, I thought, giving Gil a glance.

Standing up, I arched backwards, stretching, just stood there, looking out onto the white covered woods. In front of me, Gil suddenly coughed and shivered, rubbing his arms repeatedly.

"Aah! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have let you out here too long!" Darn it, that cough hadn't sounded good, and if he'd admitted to being cold by rubbing his arms, then he must have been very cold. I cursed silently at myself for getting distracted and knelt by his side. He shook his head as if telling me nothing was wrong, but I was afraid his fever had rekindled. Sure enough, as I pressed my hand to his cheek and forehead I pulled back from the highly uncomfortably hot skin. And the shivering indicated chills.

"Let's get back now," I fretted, pulling him up carefully. He stumbled a bit, holding tightly to my arm. It was my entire fault too, I thought, biting my lip. This whole time I'd passed the flush on his face as simply a blush instead of realizing that he shouldn't have been out in the cold so long. I shouldn't have asked him to come out so soon, he'd only just woken up yesterday after being so sick...

I pulled him along carefully, keeping an eye out for stray rocks and longs, watching him vigilantly. Going back to the cabin was much slower than coming from, I realized.

He gripped my arm tighter, pausing to catch his breath. I stopped, watching him worriedly. How could I have been so stupid as to let him get sicker? As if his health wasn't bad enough as it was right now. He released the pressure from my arm, not letting go though, and began walking again, stumbling slightly in the process. I walked in front, leading him slowly, listening to his breath becoming heavier with every step. I was about to turn and make him sit down when he finally slumped against my back and I turned to catch him before he fell. Gil looked at me apologetically and I shook my head sternly.

"You're tired, just _going_ to the stream was too much exercise for today, let alone coming back. I'm sorry, I thought you'd be up to it..." I said quietly and picked his light body up, hefting it precariously against me as I tried to favor my right arm when dull pain spread from the wound. He leaned into me, taking a slight hold of my jacket and closing his eyes as I ambled the rest of the way back home.

OoO

Kicking the door back into the house open, I walked in and set Gil back into my bed, stripping off the heavy jacket and covering him with the blankets and sheets. I pressed my hand to his forehead, wincing at the heat. It was as bad as the first couple days he'd been here, and that said a lot. His breathing had calmed though, and that came as a relief, one that quickly dissipated when he coughed again. Chills and fever, I'd just improved the situation _so_ much.

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Gil's POV

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I didn't care that I'd gotten sick again. But I could tell that he felt guilty. It was evident in the way his hands moved, the way he looked at me, as if asking sorry and trying to make up for it by being extra gentle and caring. There was no way he could be any gentler than he already was. I tried to say something, to shake my head, anything, but I felt so tired... There was a strange heaviness to my body, as if weights were attached to my limbs, and even doing nothing made me feel tired. It was like a curtain had fallen on my head, cloaking my senses, clogging my ability to perceive and think correctly. Coherently.

My mind drifted, my sight blurry so I couldn't tell that his mouth was moving. I tried to catch the drift of a couple words, but they stopped and he looked at me anxiously and put both his hands on my face, turning it to look at me carefully, and repeated the same words. This time, I caught them, and finally realized he was asking me if I was still cold. I would have tried to use my newly reacquired speech to say that I was. I was freezing. Nowhere near as cold as I was the night he'd found me, but I was uncomfortably cold. The warm bed and clothes helped a lot, but I was feeling unnaturally cold. This wasn't outside cold, this was cold that came from nowhere and hence ate you from inside. But since I couldn't speak, I simply opted for a nod, which I guessed turned out to be the barest of acknowledgements, a vague tilt of my chin. He caught it nonetheless and frowned, beginning to get up to fetch presumably blankets, but I pulled on his arm, stopping him. I noticed my hand was shaking, and glancing down, was met with the same thing from the rest of my body. I hadn't even realized I was shivering.

"What?" the questioning look on his face asked. I made a short negative noise, trying, with my relatively lacking amount of strength, to keep him here by pulling once again on his sleeve. A gaze of pity mixed with barely discernible guilt was turned on me, and though I usually hated something like pity, from him it didn't bother me.

He smiled gently and pulled my hand off, where it fell limply leaning over the side of the bed before he patted it. I hoped my message had at least gotten through. I wanted him next to me, not to leave me for even a second.

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Lam's POV

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I didn't know what was it about him that he didn't want me to even leave his side. Did he need company so badly? Had his years as a captive in Nadil's army been so lonesome and inhuman? In truly wondered what went through his head, what memories he had that kept that haunted, tormented look in his eyes, much as I tried to dispel it, much as it cleared every once in a while, it was there. I was torn between forcing him to dispel it, or indulge it so that it dispelled on its own. Indulging it seemed better for him.

I patted his hand again, speaking slowly, "I have to make you some soup though. You need food. And it'll help get you warm again and get rid of those chills."

The maroon-haired demon turned his head away, biting his lip, and pulled his hand back, his way of saying that it was ok for me to go. I hesitated.

"I... have to go out back to get the things for the soup, so... I'll be back in five minutes, alright?"

His eyes widened slightly, and his head began to turn towards me, but then he seemed to fight the urge and his face set into stone, staring evenly at the wall though his hands tightened on the bed. I sighed, running a hand through my hair, and walked out.

Minutes later, as I came back in carrying all the vegetables, all the spices and things like that, I found that Gil was already asleep, face troubled underneath the layer of sweat already forming about his face. I wanted to run to him and hold him, and ease the shivering, and warm him, but right now he needed food, something substantial to draw energy from. _Then_ I could do the rest.

I almost felt amusement at myself. Give me someone to care for, and I turn responsible. I begin dicing up the vegetables, still favoring my right arm as the wound hadn't yet healed. I turned my head to look at Gil again, then swept my gaze over the room. It was unaccustomedly _clean_. Like I said, I'd turned responsible and given up... most, of my lazy ways over the past few days. After all, I could have a messy house with him here. It'd taken me forever to find the things I'd needed to take care of him in the mess of floor. So then I'd decided that I needed to clean things up and _keep_ them that way.

A sudden boiling and bubbling noise at my side brought my attention back and kept me from nearly becoming left-handed, and I gathered all the veggies and dropped them into the scalding water, mindful of the splashed. Didn't wanna become burnt as well as left handed in one day.

It'd take a while for the soup to be ready, so I finished adding the spices and the like and cleaned up. Responsibility, I thought to myself sternly, then just dropped all the materials in the sink. To clean up later. I had said I'd gotten rid of _most_ of my lazy ways.

Settling my body into the plush chair I'd placed next to my bed, I reached over to my bedside bookshelf and withdrew a leather bound book. Read a book and you suddenly become a dork, I though, remembering how the other demons in Nadil's army had made fun of me for being the meek, gentle, bookworm. Now though, I found it more amusing than hurtful, as I had before. I shook my head and opened the yellowed pages to the marker I'd set to mark my place. ...Obviously.

OoO

My hand paused right above the sleeping youkai's shoulder, hesitating since he was so peacefully asleep, but then moved resolutely forward and shook the darkly tanned shoulder gently.

"Hey, Gil, wake up. I have the food," I said, bringing the steaming plate near his face in an attempt to have the smell wake him. It apparently worked, because he slid open his eyes, mumbling something incoherent, and groaned.

"Sorry to wake you up, I really am, but you need energy, and food is just that," I said, setting the plate down on the bedside table and easing him up carefully. He just kinda laid against my body, clearly not awake, judging by the glazed look in his eyes. The feverish flush on his face had deepened during the time he'd slept, but his shivering had turned more violent.

"Here, this should warm you up," picking up the silver spoon, I dipped it in the minestrone sea and brought it up filled to the rim. It was the small spoon, so he'd be able to swallow faster. Still half slumped against me, he opened his mouth just enough to allow the spoon to enter and quickly closed it again. I removed the spoon and watched amusedly as his eyes widened and he swallowed quickly, panting slightly. He turned a slight glare at me, obviously much more awake now.

"Oops, is it hot?" I grimaced playfully. He just glared a little more.

"Here, I'll blow on it to make it cooler," I also stirred the soup. I gave him another spoonful, which he swallowed without much trouble. And another, which he actually leaned forward to slurp clean, and another, until the bowl was almost done.

But Gil was looking extremely sleepy by now, his eyes half lidded and movements slow. That _was,_ after all, the effect being full with something warm did. He looked at me pleadingly, a small mew forming on his lips.

"Nope, you have to eat the rest. It's just three more spoonfuls," I said firmly, sliding another bite in his mouth. The small youkai swallowed heavily and groaned slightly in that cat-like way of his that always just made me want to smile and squeeze him like I had a kitten that I'd had when young. Of course, I resisted. He looked at me piteously.

"C'mon, have you looked at yourself? You're underweight, skinny as a worm that's been stepped on– several times. I'm gonna make you... well, right again," I told him, finding no word for healthily heavier.

He gave the slightest of sighs and opened his mouth for the next spoonful.

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Gil's POV

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I caved in completely into Laamgarnus as I finished swallowing the last of the soup. I felt like I was floating, my stomach so full I was having trouble breathing, just looking at things with a daze. It had helped though. I felt a bit better. I was still cold, and shivering didn't make the bloated feeling in my stomach very pleasant at all. I felt him shift beneath my limp body, setting the bowl to the side, and then he turned me gently around, settling me back into the bed and stretching me out.

Slipping the soft cover over me, I was surprised to feel that his body was next to me still, I could feel his chest pressing firmly onto my back.

"There's only one way to make this silly fever and chills go down. I'll keep you warm," he said softly, mindful that my ear was right underneath his mouth. The smile was almost audible in his voice.

I struggled up onto my elbows, trying to swivel around to face him, ignoring his hands on my back that warned me, my breathing suddenly becoming great wavering gulps of air before I collapsed onto my new position, facing him. He looked at me worriedly.

"You shouldn't have done that..." he said. Yes, I did. I shifted myself closer to him, relishing in the warmth his now bare chest provided. His arms moved to wrap around me, warming my back as well, the covers falling softly, draping over our two bodies. I rested my head in the crook of his neck, feeling completely at peace. It helped though that I was full and immobilized by the fever. But what helped more was simply the feeling of the larger, protective body holding me close, the soft, silken feel of purple hair in my face and the soft voice that murmured into my ears.

"G'nite, Kitten."

I didn't realize I had started making a pleased, purring noise deep in my throat, living up to his nickname of me.

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	4. Nightmare

**Thanks for your reviews, responses at bottom!**

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Comfort in the Snow: chapter 4

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Lamgarnus's POV

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_Wind pulled at my purple hair, slicking it over my face and blinding me. The bitter cold seemed to prick at my skin, and the sky was black. _

_In the back of my mind, I knew it was a dream, and I knew I could easily wake up if I wanted to, but there was no reason to wake up, and so I continued walking in this fake reality that I found myself in. _

_I had a deep feeling of loneliness, and the bare, rocky red desert around me suddenly morphed and I was walking in a hallway made of mirrors. All the figures of myself turned to look at me, eyes empty, just staring. I backed up, a feeling like ice running down my back sliding up my spine. My copies in the mirror turned back, beginning to walk in place, a lone stride, like an anchor had been placed on their fragile looking shoulders. _

_I was baffled, confused. Nothing like looking at yourself with an expression so distant in time yet as familiar as the sun that rose every morning. Loneliness. I was surrounded by myself, with only myself to look at and talk to. I could only think to myself. I began to understand the real meaning of where I was. This was the myself of before. 'Before what?' I thought dumbly. _

_Everything around me abruptly blackened, as if the sun had decided to give up his reigning throne to the night, vanquishing the moon as well since she had to light to reflect anymore. The only things that were present were the stars, dim nightlights, as if the sun had hidden behind a black curtain, and a needle had poked various holes in the velvet material, allowing the light behind to shine though. _

_And then, at a sound that seemed to jerk and draw at my heart, I whirled around. My eyes immediately softened and I knelt into the darkness, wrapping my arms around the poor thing that had called out so distressingly. The calico kitten in my arms looked at me, nudging my hand with its tiny triangle face in gratitude before licking it's injured paw gingerly. It mewed, purring loudly, a bubbling continuous sound from deep inside itself. I smiled at it, bending my head down to nuzzle its soft furry head, delighted with the small creature. _

_The mirrors rose again, and my world turned from that dispelling darkness dotted with starlight to a blinding white, shadows eradicated. And my lean, tall body appeared around me again, a shy, yet wide smile on my faces, the anchor gone from my shoulders and a shine in my eyes I was surprised to find. I looked closer at myself, noticing that the kitten sat on the shoulder of my clones, looking decidedly happy with itself, continuously purring and nuzzling my cheek. I blinked repeatedly, aware of something inside me. What it was, I didn't know. I just knew it liked it though. _

"_What do you think? Is it a sign that you and I will be happy?" I asked the furball in my arms, who just looked at me with its wide golden eyes before blinking and yawning hugely, settling into my arms and falling asleep. _

I don't know how the dream would have continued, because I was suddenly aware of my consciousness being pulled from its cloudy dream state into the real life, heaviness and sweltering heat enveloping me as I began to wake.

Finally sliding my hazel orbs open, I realized that it was still dark. And it was hot. The answer for that was simple; there were covers stifling me, and there was a body nestled in the folds of my arms. And his body was burning hot. I also took in that there was sharp pain running up my arms, and looking down I saw that the reason for that was that the maroon-headed hanyou was grasping my arms tightly, nails digging sharply into my skin.

I pried his hands from my arms, my gaze narrowing in concern as I saw his body convulsing into violent shivers, his face drawn in pain and sorrow. Now deprived of my arms to clutch, Gil's anorexic-like thin arms wrapped around himself, squeezing so hard I was afraid the skin would break.

"Mmnno... no, stop!" he whispered, afraid, childishly. Pain and loneliness wavered so strongly in his voice I didn't think twice before wrapping my arms around him, pulling him tighter against me as his face tensed and became drawn. I realized how much of a child he really was, how much he needed company and someone who loved him then and there. He was hurting so much inside that he was having nightmares about it.

"I don't want that... help me, someone, please!"

I cringed as crystalline tears slipped from underneath his eyes, sliding down and dampening the pillow, some wetting my neck as well as I leaned and kissed his hot forehead tenderly, drawing him as close as physically possible, debating whether to wake him up from his horrible nightmare when he needed sleep so badly. Once awake it'd be so hard for him to fall asleep again.

"Laam...garnus... save me," the whisper, hardly louder than a mere droplet of water in a lake, called out to me heartbreakingly.

"Oh, Gil..." I closed my eyes, stroking his hair and back, biting my lip at the repeating whimpers and mews of pain. The tears still flowed, seeming to almost glow in the darkness, his body still shivering against mine. I wanted it to stop, for him to resume peaceful sleep, to get better soon, to discard my guilt at having been the cause of a relapse, "Wake up..."

My pale hands rubbed his quaking back harder, willing him to slip back into consciousness, to leave his haunting nightmares behind. A pained, loud wail brought another slow, pained kiss to his forehead.

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Gil's POV

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_It was that night again. I was back in the cold, the hard stone floor underneath me, Nadil's demons jibing and jeering above me, pain coursing my body so swiftly and blindingly I couldn't help but whimper in hurt. _

_What was I doing back here? Wasn't I... living with Laamgarnus? Being taken care of by the purple headed kind demon?_

_I felt tears bursting from inside me as I finally understood. _

_It had all been but a dream. _

_My heart hurt, somewhere deep inside me, a place I hadn't known existed hurt. I didn't want it to have been just a dream. My imagination was cruel. I had felt so happy there, I had been content, felt loved. And now it had all been stripped away from me. _

_I wanted to return to sleep, continue that dream that had saved me and sheltered me from the deep rooting pain that was rousing from my body, renewing with every taunt and kick, spit and stab. My sides burned, the pain spreading like liquid fire, lava incinerating every corner of my mind, making me scream out in agony. Crimson leaked from me, rivulets inching into the cracks of the floor. _

_And I was alone again. _

_The thought haunted me, I simply couldn't let go of Laamgarnus. His kindness and love had been so real, they couldn't just... fade away. It as too painful to know that it had been only a dream. I wanted to go back to it. _

_My eyes opened wide, fear crying out from the depths of gold, as sharp teeth bit my lips, enveloping my mouth in an abusive, contemptuous kiss. My eyes filled with tears that I tried to contain out of broken pride when the mouth licked the blood off my face, relishing in its tart taste, moving down to puncture my neck as well. The demon lifted its face, licking the thin red liquid from his mouth, looking snidely triumphant. _

"_Lowly... cretin... weakling! ...Broken and useless... nuisance... stupid animal... only good for fun"_

_The words were like mental stabs, the only things I could pick out from the demon's nasty mocks. Cringing, I gave up. I couldn't fight back or struggle, I simply lay there and took it. _

_He was gone. Laamgarnus was gone. _

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Laam's POV

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He was really crying, his body shaking, his lips bloodied from biting on them. His breathing was shallow, rasped bursts of breath as he fought his nightmare.

"Gil, wake please..." I called to him, shaking him lightly. He only flinched at my touch, rejecting it as if it was a cruel whip lash, a harsh yowl in his throat, his tears renewing in strength. He wrapped his arms around himself rigidly, in an attempt to protect himself. I drew back, discouraged.

How was I supposed to break him out of his nightmare when he cast off any sudden, blatant touch? Reaching out gingerly, I wiped gently at the damp tear tracks, willing the clear distress to stop flowing, for him to wake up. His arms unwrapped from himself, stretched out slowly, taking hold of my wrist.

"Don't hurt me..." he keened cat-like to his shadowed mind's demons, his hands tightening painfully on my arms, burrowing his head deeper into my chest until all I could see was his long dark crimson hair, soft underneath my chin, splayed out like crimson silken strands. I leaned my head down, gripping him tightly gently; afraid to try to forcefully shake him out of the nightmare again, but wondering if that was the only way. So I settled for calling out to him again, like I had the past times, rocking him as softly as my voice.

"I won't hurt you... wake up, Gil..."

"Stop! I don't want anymore!"

"Please Gil, baby, wake up!"

"Barl, anyone... I just want to go back!"

"It's just a nightmare, Gil!"

"Help me... Laamgarnus, save me!" he sobbed, his voice suddenly hushed and desperate, like I was becoming.

"Gil!"

I resisted wincing as his claw-like nails finally drew blood from my skin, calling out gently.

"Wake up!"

"No! Stop, don't hurt me!"

"Please, Gil!" I didn't care anymore if he didn't like me shaking him awake, it was doing more damage staying asleep in this hellish nightmare than scaring him into waking up would ever do.

"Gil, Kitten, wake up!" I prepared to shake him when abruptly, the breathing evened out slightly, and his body became limp. My hazel eyes watched anxiously as his single golden eye flickered open, gazing at me with something akin to confusion. His dark hand no longer shook so violently as he reached up disbelievingly to touch my face.

"You're... here. You're... notta dream..." he murmured faintly. His eye closed again, his hand falling limply on my face, sliding to rest on the crook of my neck. I could see something like relief, something close to comfort in his features, along with a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth, where a smile would have been.

I cradled him securely to me, still whispering rose-like comforts, relieved as his body stilled, his breathing calm and reassured. I quickly fell asleep as well, as exhausted as him by my previous fears.

OoO

Cracking my eyes open dully, I blinked first at the bright sunlight, then at confusion. Bright sunlight glaring into my eyes. That wasn't right, the sunlight never reached my window before I woke up... that must mean that I was waking up much later than usual.

I racked my brain temporarily, trying to envision why in the world I woke up so late. Then movement from my side jolted me, and I remembered, sighing. Right, it was Gil, he'd had a nightmare. I fanned myself, suddenly aware that it was hot.

Turning lightly, I brushed Gil's hair from his smooth, sweat-drenched face, kissing his flushed forehead chastely. Poor baby, the fever hadn't abated at all, and the hanyou fidgeted restlessly in his sleep, clutching the covers spasmodically. Stroking his face, I let myself just stare at him. He was like a jewel, perfect, flawless in everyway. But deeply mistreated, wide scratches and nicks across its jeweled ruby tone. Like the scars that ran along his golden skin, as well as in his mind and heart. And I would be the one to gently polish away those scratches, I was determined to.

Sitting up, I stretched lazily, a sound like a cross between a yawn and a moan sliding from my throat. I rubbed the last of my sleep away from my eyes, flicking my long lavender bangs away from my face. My pale hands fanned my face again. Jeez, it was really hot in here. Funny, since it was winter, and apparently it'd snowed again last night. I stood to walk to my dresser and draw out a shirt, slipping it on over my lean bare chest. I flexed a muscle, testing it. I was a lean, pimpin' cooking machine.

But first, I needed to find something to lower Gil's fever.

Rummaging noiselessly through the cupboards, I finally came up with a couple powdered medicinal herbs and candy to soothe his throat since he'd been coughing last night. Setting it all on the wooden counter, I doubted that I'd have to make breakfast for him, as he was probably too tired to want it. I'd just give him milk and mix in the medicine along with it...

Striding across the room back to Gil's side, with a cup of warm milk, medicine already stirred in, and the cough candy, I sat on the bed, placing the cup next to me.

"Kitten," I shook his as gently as I could, more of a gentle loll to the sides. He shifted lightly but didn't wake. This was getting to be a habit, he slept like a log. Not that I'd blame him, I'd be exhausted as well, and really, I thought, biting my lip, when was the last time he'd slept undisturbed? Free from harassment and fear of what the next day held for him?

"Wake up, sleepy," I grinned cheerfully. He mewed lightly stirring weakly, and I stroked his pale face gently but firmly, more encouragement to wake up, as well as stroking his back. I pulled his ear lightly, bending down to then nibble it. His hand jolted to his ear, but instead ran into my cheek. His hand paused an inch above my cheek, probably confused, and I just grinned, still nibbling on his soft ear, immensely amused. His golden hand drew in carefully, just touching my cheek, softly, tenderly. I was surprised at the gentleness with which his hand faintly traced my face, then suddenly stopped and lay back on the covers.

His glazed eyes wavered open, blinking slightly at the proximity of my face to his. I grinned, "Hey Tiger."

"Laam?"

OoO

Gil's POV

OoO

I was only aware of darkness, sweet darkness, no dreams, no oppressive darkness, just the quiet black of sleep, where you didn't think at all, and nothing haunted you, and you felt like you were floating. It was the place I liked best. I frowned to myself, no that wasn't quite right. There was one place I liked better than any other. Or _someone_ I liked better than anything else. But just the thought made me blush slightly, so I focused instead on other things.

Now though, I realized that I was beginning to wake, and I couldn't understand why. I was comfortable here, I didn't want to wake. But my body had other plans, and as I began reaching full consciousness, I began to be aware of other feelings.

Sweltering heat, tiredness, just a fog in my brain that didn't want me to think anything other than subconsciously. And an itching feeling in my throat, but somehow I managed to suppress coughing. I sighed inwardly, I was still sick.

I was shaken slightly out of my still-sleeping daze by a gentle shake, pushing me slowly from side to side. I wondered fleetingly who it could be, but couldn't quite come up with an answer. I didn't care though. Who ever it was, he was kind, and his touch felt really good on the sore muscles in my back. I stirred, hearing something telling me to wake up, but I was so tired...

I frowned lightly, surprised, as I felt fingers running in patterns over my face. Cool fingers, easing the burning of my skin, leaning in to the touch as much as I could. A slim if large hand, stroking my face firmly and... lovingly? Something wet bit my ear with a small prick and I started, completely taken by surprise, reaching my hand up sleepily to see what the hell was currently nibbling on my ear.

My hand bumped into something soft, a face, and I drew it back quickly, then slowly reached back up, stopping just shy of the face. Something felt familiar about the face, I knew who it was, but it wasn't registering in my fever ridden mind just yet. Shyly, with nervousness I couldn't comprehend the reason of, I touched his face. It was soft and smooth, cool, with a strange smooth roughness to it, presumably the result of simply living out in the wild for so long. A lean jaw lining a long face, and I touched the corner of his mouth, just brushing by his barely damp lips. There was something so comforting about him, and I... couldn't help but to try to be as tender as I could with him. I needed him so badly, and here he was, with me... and this was my way of saying thanks. What the heck was going through my head? I was so confused. I'd never felt such a feeling for someone, I'd never been so gentle and caring towards anyone. So why was I stroking his face with such feeling, something that felt so close to... to... something.

As if defeated by not being able to find a word to describe my fleeting feelings, my hand fell back onto the soft covers of the sheets. I forced my eyes to open, blinking profusely at seeing a face in front of me.

"Hey Tiger," he grinned widely, easing me completely.

"Laam?" So he had been the one this whole time? Of course, I thought stupidly. Who else would it have been? I grinned slightly, feeling foolish for not having realized the obvious before, and looking into his shining hazel eyes.

"Yup, it's me, Tiger."

"It's not Kitten anymore?" I blinked, personally preferring Kitten...

He laughed, "Do you like Kitten better, then? I thought you'd like something more manly."

I nodded my head shyly, looking down. Yeah, I would have thought I'd like something more youkai-ish, or manly before, but... well, I guess I didn't. Not from him at least. I guess... I kind of like being taken care of.

OoO

Lam's POV

OoO

He so liked to be pampered and babied. It was so clear that was what he wanted. I grinned wider at the maroon headed hanyou, chuckling slightly at his response.

"Well then, Kitten it is," I winked at him as he lifted his head from his slightly embarrassed pose, "Personally, I like that better too."

My tone turned serious as I helped him slowly sit up, "So, how are you feeling?"

He sighed lightly, the exhaling of breath becoming a heavy cough, his breath wavering just noticeably simply at the exercise of sitting up, "Tired... sick."

He looked at me, drawing back slightly before I realized I was staring.

"What?"

"You can talk," I said bluntly, as if it was the first time I'd noticed. Which it was.

He looked down at himself for a moment before stroking his throat, "I... I can," he looked at me, surprised.

"That's great!" I said cheerfully. And it was too, now I could get to know him better, and he could tell me if something was wrong, and finally we could forgo an endless game of charades. Leaning over, I hugged him, then frowned, "Ah shoot, I forgot why I even woke you up in the first place."

Gil yawned, maroon silk falling into his eyes, "Yes, why did you wake me up?"

"Medicine," I stated, resisting a giggle as he immediately sulked, looking absolutely adorable. Sulking and sleepy. I'd have to remember to get him into that pose again. Soon hopefully.

He must have realized how much he needed it though, because he didn't refute when I gave him the milk, or even the bitter medicine he hated that I'd added mint to again. He did complain though, verbally. And with eloquent signs.

He coughed, body shaking dangerously, and I took him up firmly in my arms, holding him securely. Snagging the cough drop candy from my pocket, I popped it in his mouth.

"For the coughing. Feels good doesn't it?"

"Immensely," he said with feeling. I squeezed him closer.

"You poor thing... I'm really sorry about having you get sick all over again," I whispered.

He shook his head feebly, struggling to contain a cough, "Don't worry about it."

"Cause you like being babied?"

"...N-no..." he turned his head away, "Course not."

"Right, I get ya," I grinned, "Do you want something to eat?"

He coughed again, shaking his head, "Uh-uh..."

"Don't think you can handle it?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then, since you're obviously tired, I'll let you go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you up, but hopefully by tonight the fever will be gone thanks to the medicine," I murmured, nuzzling his neck affectionately as I laid him back down, stroking the hair from his face and looking deeply at him, "Sleep well, Kitten."

"G' nigh'..."

I was about to reply that it wasn't night, it was full morning, but he was already asleep, holding fast onto my hand.

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**Anyway... thanks a lot for reviewing, I love your reviews! They've all been very positive and encouraging.**


	5. Love

**Alright, first of all, thanks to my wonderful reviewer **DVL**, I'm finally using Laamgarnus' real name, Raamganas. **

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**Chapter 5: Love **

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OoO

Ram's POV

OoO

I grunted lightly at the effort expended to open a door while carrying fire-wood and the few winter herbs that had survived the snowfall. Nudging the door close with my elbow, I walked forward taking care to not make a sound as I set the wood quietly in the hole in the hearth, adding a couple sticks to the smoldering fire in the fire-place.

That done, I began to quietly wash the dishes and pick up around the log cabin that was my home, dropping things where they belonged and making sure things were as orderly as I could possibly make them. Which wasn't all that orderly to be truthful.

All this care to be quiet was for the small body that rested fitfully in my bed, hair damp with perspiration, gray face flushed as he muttered incoherent phrases in his feverish sleep, sheets clinging to his small frame.

Gil. My Gil. Sleeping like a baby, I smiled warmly, humming very softly as I finished tidying up. He moaned almost inaudibly, but in my attentive state I heard it and rushed to the bedside, checking quickly for any signs of worsening health.

"Barl... play... with us..." he mumbled his head cocking in his sleep. Mine did too, out of curiosity. This was the second time he'd mentioned 'Barl'. The first time it had been during his nightmare, when he'd asked Barl to help him. Which mean that this Barl was someone Gil thought of as safe. Hm... I was curious now, but wasn't sure if it would be my place to ask. I shrugged, I had no intentions of prying where I wasn't wanted, but I did want to know more about Gil. I'd ask him sometime, it seemed like a safe enough subject.

My hand reached out, stroking his face softly. Then I sighed and stood up, now assured that he was fine, and sleeping well enough. It had been my fault that he'd gotten worse... I mean, his health had been bad enough when I took him outside, but then I had to be the idiot and let it get worse... I cringed guiltily.

Shaking my head, walked back outside, taking a coat on my way out. It was nice outside, the land covered in a permanent frozen white powder, but it was rather nice. Just below freezing, but my youkai body could take it just fine. The sky was a clear, shining azure, promising to stay that way by the smell of the wind.

Logs of firewood shifted underneath me as I sat on them, looking up at the sky and just taking a breather. My life was pretty easy going. I had plenty of time to just goof off, and relax. Less now that I had Gil around, but since he was sleeping, and I had nothing better to do... And I was hardly ever bothered by other demons. Mostly because this was rather near Saabel's forest, and because there was never any action here.

I'd met Saabel on a couple occasions, and he struck me as pretty interesting. A bit eccentric, but an all around nice guy, funny. He didn't bother me, in any case, and that's all that mattered. There were, however, a number of demons that cruised through these woods all the time, it wasn't like I was completely isolated. I was just never bothered by trouble-making demons. Which was just fine by me, I thought, leaning back in a stretch.

I blinked, catching sight of a long pole-like wooden weapon. I hadn't practiced in a while. I needed to begin training again, it'd been two week's since I'd last picked that thing up. I never knew when training might come in useful. Such as the night I found Gil. The only thing that had saved me from getting severely butchered by those demons was that I understood that you had to keep in shape if you wanted to survive in this world. Standing up, I reached out to pick the weapon. It wasn't all that long, a bit longer than my arm. Made out of hard wood, metal knobs at the ends. Sliding my feet into a battling stance, I concentrated, keeping my eyes on the long-worn target on the tree.

I swung it back a forth with the ease of long practice, if my speed was a bit lacking. Twirling it about my hands, I set about to swing it in a long series of complicated swirls and blows, each and every one hitting the bull's eye, or the vicinity. I continued this for a while longer, liking the way the cold air kept my body from sweating and becoming over-heated, instead refreshing me. I wondered if Gil had a certain weapon he'd specialized in. Probably so, but I doubted he'd want to pick it up. He most likely didn't want to ever fight again. Neither did I, but I had to know some sort of self-defense, we were youkai's for Kainaldia's sake, not exactly a peaceful race, and as such, bound to get into trouble whether we liked it or not. So if we weren't the ones attacking, then we'd be the ones attacked, and for that we had to be ready. My gaze hardened, as well as my heart, shutting in painful emotions before they had a chance to get out.

I remembered a time when we were the attackers, and I remembered a time we were the attacked. Both times, the 'we' was comprised of different people, but each occasion was of a painful remembrance. I sighed, sitting down, my breathing coming out in slight pants. My weapon discarded at my side.

I was a hypocrite and I knew it. Always saying to talk out your feelings, and I believed it too. I felt that the path to healing was admitting you're hurt first. And talking about it, and letting it out. But I was a hypocrite in that I did not follow my own advice. I wanted to, I wished I could. But I wasn't ready to start healing yet. My head hung, staring at the clear white snow, pure and beautiful, and tried to think about something else.

It didn't matter. For now I was happy, and relieved, and had finally found something to live for. I wasn't suicidal, but I was a bit depressed. I lived alone, in the middle of the woods. I was lonely. But I was safe here from Nadil's army, and that's what I cared about more than being lonely. Technically, I was still in Nadil's army, but I had been kind of... thrown away, because I had been useless as a soldier or guard. Too kind, they had said, and I laughed. Because being kind was wrong, I thought sarcastically. I was a bit bitter on the subject.

In any case, I thought idly, tracing lines in the powdered snow, if they had cast me out of the army and told me to leave, then that was their problem. I was happier this way, because killing wasn't my deal. It was cruel and unjust... and that was exactly what Nadil's army was. We were demons, and killing one another and being cruel was in our blood. I wondered what had gone wrong with me, that it wasn't in _my_ blood. I shouldn't have cared, I should have been a soldier, and killed for fun without it bothering me... I shook my head, confused at where this was coming from. I didn't like to kill, I didn't want to hurt another creature, I wasn't a normal youkai, so what? It was almost like I was convincing myself to get over it. Was I regretting being alone?

But then I heard a panicked, "Ram?" from inside, and I smiled. I wasn't regretting anything anymore, because I wasn't alone.

"I'm here!" I called back, and stood up so that he could see me through the window. He smiled, relieved, and settled back into the bed. I walked back inside, realizing that I was cold as the warm heat of the fire blasted into me, "Whatcha need?" I said, hanging up my coat and walking over, sitting in the chair next to the bed. He sat up slowly, blankets pooling around him.

Gil's golden eye blinked and then he yawned, "Nothing really... I just woke up... and you weren't here..."

His voice was vibrant, low, but pure, condensed. Husky in a way as well. But very childlike in how soft and low it was. I ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead, "You have a beautiful voice."

He blushed, his face almost matching his hair. I laughed, settling back into the chair, "Anyway, sorry about that. I was outside, enjoying the fresh air. Training a bit too. So, how are you?"

"Better," he said, a small smile on his lips. He drew the blankets closer to himself, "Comfortable."

"Good," I smiled at him, taking up his hand and leaning back, contending myself to simply tracing the scars on his hand, "Kitty'll be as good as new soon."

I was surprised when his hand was abruptly snatched from mine and I opened my eyes to look at him with a surprised look on my face.

He was cradling his hand, looking at down at the bed with a troubled look in his face, his eye hazing with pained storm clouds, his body swaying and trembling.

"Please... don't call me that..." he whispered, wrapping the covers forcefully around himself, shutting his eye closed. He swallowed before opening his mouth again, "The- the guards called me that."

I stared for a moment, before leaning over and holding his unmoving form in my arms, cradling him, whispering 'sorry's and apologies, "I'm sorry... think about something else, anything else..."

OoO

Gil's POV

OoO

So many phrases where bouncing in my head, all jeered in harsh tones, mocking, the voices that would forever haunt me. They had called my kitty. It was their stupid taunting name for me. Shyrendora's cat. Her useless kitty. I closed my eye, feeling breathless, the depression I only associated with my time in Nadil's army washing over me. Oh please, no, I didn't want to think about that.

Lean, strong arms wrapped around me, holding me securely, bringing comfort. I leaned in, feeling tired again, images and voices swimming in my head, hard as I was trying to block the out. It hurt, so much... I wanted to live here, with Raamganas, I realized suddenly. I never wanted to go back to the army, to that horrible depressing darkness.

"I'm sorry... think about something else, anything else..."

I couldn't think of anything else. That past held onto me so tightly I couldn't help but hold back, even though I was screaming to let go. Sometimes, things were so embedded in you that even if you hated them with all your soul they were still a part of you, and you could never get rid of it. That was what my past was like. I felt tears threatening to slip from my eyes, and tried to fight them back, but he noticed them and rubbed my back softly. It would always be there.

"Cry."

I shook my head, "Thanks to you, I don't need to," I said and smiled at him, my lips still unused to the exercise. He looked dumbfounded for a moment, and I guessed it was surprise at my smile. In truth, I hadn't been expecting it either.

He looked at me softly then, before grinning widely, "You smiled," he said accusingly, his smiled still playing on his beautiful long face.

"You're rubbing off on me," I said softly. He ruffled my head again.

"Good, we need to see more of your smiles, Kitten," he glanced at me for a second, but I nodded, showing it was alright now. It wasn't Kitten that reminded me of _them_, it was the other name.

I laid back down, cringing at the pain in my abdomen. My body was still pretty much broken, and the painkillers where wearing off. Raamganus watched me from underneath his lavender bangs.

"You want the anesthetics?"

I grumbled and nodded a yes.

"I hate that stuff too," he chuckled, getting up to rummage for the bitter tasting medicine and a glass of water, dropping in the crushed mint leaves as well.

"I hate being sick..." I finally said. I really, really, did. I was tired, but restless, and my sight was somewhat blurry, and if I moved my head too much, then it hurt. I growled lightly under my breath, feeling like a child. I really hated being sick.

But then I looked up at Ram and saw him give me a sympathetic look and turned my head away, embarrassed.

OoO

Ram's POV

OoO

Coming back to him with the medicine and some bread for myself, I sat on the bed instead of the chair.

"Here," I handed him the medicine which he glared at ineffectively as if trying to force it to taste better before gulping it all down as quickly as he could. I, on the other hand, had something good to put in my mouth.

"What's that?" he asked, looking somewhat drowsy now.

"Sweet bread. I'm a sugar addict," I smiled and too another bite of the sweetened fluff. He wrinkled his nose.

"Sugar? On bread?"

I put on a hurt look, "Yeah, so?"

He looked away distractedly, "Nothing."

"Are you going to go back to sleep?"

Gil sighed, crimson hair spilling into his eyes and settled back into the bed, laying on his side, arm draped over the edge of the bed, "I... I don't know. I feel restless..."

I had an idea, and scrambled for my bed-side drawer, rummaging through all the scraps of paper and candies, and what-not, and finally came out with something.

Gil just stared at me, then at the object in my hands, "What the heck is that?"

"It's a rubber band. Greatest thing to play around with when you're bored or restless," I announced, presenting it to him.

"Don't tell me you amuse yourself with this?" he looked at me flatly.

"Hey, it's fun," I returned gleefully.

I watched him stare at me incredulously before he began playing with it, stretching it around his hands and pretty much just fooling around with it. He seemed content enough with it.

"See? You can keep yourself occupied with that," I said in a final tone. Plunking down at the foot of the bed, I decided to ask.

"Who's Barl?"

He looked up immediately, complete surprise and shock in his face.

"How do you know about him?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. At least his tone hadn't been suspicious or accusing, only surprised, "You've mentioned him a couple times in your sleep."

Gil looked at his hands sadly, the rubber band entwined in the still hands, "He was my younger brother," he suddenly looked at me intensely, "Did you know, I used to be human?"

Now this was news to me. He's smelled partly human... but I hadn't been too sure, and had completely forgotten to ask or even think about it.

"You used to be human?" I repeated, "How did that happen?"

"This?" he looked at himself, then his gaze ran to the window, outside, "I... was in the woods one day... and I was captured, I was only... nineteen at the time," he laughed bitterly, "I can't even remember how old I was, it feels like it was in another lifetime..." I reached out, touching his shoulder lightly, and he glimpsed at me for a moment before he sighed lightly and returned to looking out, and continued, "I had been searching for one of Barl's toys, which he'd thrown into the woods. It was sunny, and nice... and I hadn't been expecting anything bad to happen... And while I was there, a human named Garfakcy-"

"Wait, you mean you were captured by Kharl the Alchemist?" my eyes widened in surprise.

He nodded, still gazing outside with a sort of calmness about him, a sorrowful calmness, his eyes storming over, "Garfakcy put me to sleep, and next thing I knew I was in Kharl's castle, all the way over in Arinas. And then...he made me a youkai."

I realized that there was a lot I was missing, and that he wasn't going to elaborate anytime soon. He had included so many details about everything else, then just said, 'I was made into a youkai' without elaborating anymore. That just showed how painful it was to talk about it... from a human to a youkai...

"I guess... you must hate youkai..." I said quietly. He closed his eyes for a moment.

"Yeah. I do. But... not you," he gave me a soft look, and for once, it was I who felt warmth rushing into my face, "You're almost human."

"In the way I act?" I said, my own bitterness rising up. He blinked.

"What's wrong?"

I gave a frustrated sigh and ran my hands through my hair, "I'm sorry... To tell you the truth, I guess I'm still kind of confused about myself. I mean... I like the way I am. I don't want to hurt anything unnecessarily, and I'm not some cruel freak like most other youkai, and I'm happily not ready to kill something and be some ruthless soldier in Nadil's army. But..." I paused, wringing my hands in my lap, struggling to put my conflicting feelings into words, "I guess sometimes I wish that it wasn't that way. I wish I could fit in and live with other youkai in peace, being _myself_... that I hadn't been rejected all my life..."

I laughed, trying to wave it off, "But that's a wish in vain, and vain wishes only cause heartache. Guess I gotta get over the fact I'm not wanted once and for all."

I stared at my lap, trying to dispel the heaviness and grief that always clawed at my heart whenever I thought of my past, my childhood...

I started as Gil was suddenly in my lap, sitting gingerly on it, the bed sinking with our combined weight. His golden orb was a whirlpool of sympathy and reassurance, sadness for me tinting the edges.

"I'm sorry..." he murmured into my ear, wrapping his arms shyly around me, leaning into me so comfortingly that for a moment I just sat still with shock, before being washed over with a feeling so warm and kind, and I didn't feel left out or alone anymore.

I threw my arms around him, pulling him to me as tightly as I could, mindful of his injuries, burrowing my face in his beautifully soft hair, drinking in his human scent, _loving_ the way he made me feel needed and not rejected.

"If... if you weren't the way you are... then I'd be dead..." he whispered, "I... I like you the way you are. I don't want you to change..."

I knew my hazel eyes were wide, because I hadn't felt liked like this in so long... too long.

"Kitten... I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here... Finding you is the only reward being myself has ever given me..." I whispered back, kissing his neck softly, then pulling him back a bit, gazing at him with gratitude in my eyes. I leaned down, brushing his lips barely with mine.

His blush was the deepest one I'd seen yet, but all he did was gaze back at me, a look of wonder in his face, lips barely parted, and then he smiled, full of wonder, and leaned his head back on my shoulder, re-wrapping his arms around me, holding tightly. I hugged him back, his warm breath heating my neck, sending shivers down my back. He loved me for who I was.

"Love you, Kitten."

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Gil's POV

OoO

I didn't really know what I was doing in his lap, arms wrapped around him, feeling his larger body curled above me, but all I wanted to do was comfort him from the anguish crying in his voice, in his beautiful hazel orbs. He always comforted me, and I wanted to... return the favor. I didn't want to see him like that. I stared back at him, entrusting myself to him completely. I didn't know why his gaze was sending my mind into a whirl, making my heart beat faster...

As if in slow motion, I saw him lean down, kissing me so softly it was almost like the wind was touching my lips, and then he pulled back and I just stared back, my mind black except for the electricity rushing through my body. I knew I was blushing horribly, but I didn't care.

I liked it... he'd kissed me... I couldn't help but smile at him with true happiness, and then lean my head gently against the crook of his neck reaching my arms up around his back tightly, not wanting to let go of the wonderful feeling washing over me like the warm sea. My head felt light with exhilaration, and I just loved him for being with me, for saving me, and caring for me like no one ever had.

I felt his arms around me too, cradling me ever so gently, my bangs entwining with his hair in front of my eyes, symbolic of our position at the moment, and I couldn't help but sight feather-lightly and close my eyes.

"Love you, Kitten," I heard, and his arms squeezed tighter, and I felt like I could just drown in him forever.

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